I've been pretty angry and bitter for a long time now about a working mother at my office (I'll call her C), and I've started several posts about it, but I haven't been able to express what it is about me that bothers me so much. Part of it is that she gets equal reward (in some instances, more reward) than I and other colleagues do for doing much, much less work. She is widely known to be difficult to work with from both the product creation team and the commercial team. And those of us who do my job recognize a fundamental lack of evolution in the way that she approaches her job, meaning that she's doing the job the exact same way that she did 5 years ago when she first started.
But I don't think that's the main thing, because I'm a realist. Sometimes I'm more optimistic than your average realist, but I'm pretty gimlet-eyed. I completely understand that life is not fair, and it's not a meritocracy.
I just got some news from another colleague, this one senior to me, that has cast some light on what's going on in Catherineland. This woman, I'll call her MD, took a chance on me and offered me a way out from having to do my job and compensate for the shortcomings of C. MD has a four-year-old and a two-year-old, and at the beginning of this year went part-time so she could spend more time with her sons. She just broke the news to the team that she's going to be leaving the company and taking a leave of absence starting July 1.
MD said that the time that she's gotten to spend with them has been wonderful, and she wants more. In addition, all the reading that she's done tells her that this is a key developmental time for her kids, and she wants to do the best thing by them. When she went to her boss to give notice, to his credit, he suggested a leave of absence and doing an occasional project as time permits.
And here's what came to me in a flash about all of this: as a woman, you can't have it all, unless you are willing to half-ass your job or half-ass the time you spend with your kids. You really can't. The woman from the first paragraph works from her home, like I do. She has a full-time nanny, but I know for a fact that she spends a LOT of time playing with her children during the work day. Even with the most ideal arrangement you could imagine, she's still mediocre at best at her job, and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that it's a will issue and not a skill issue.
MD had a less ideal arrangement, but still a decent one, and she reached the conclusion that she couldn't do justice to her work obligations without shortchanging her children. And so she's taking a leave of absence.
I guess the company should be commended for giving a handout to C in recognition of the tough situation she's in, but I don't see it that way. She's been promoted because people like her, not because she provides any sort of leadership or any level of expected productivity.
MD's announcement made me sad today because what it means to me is that at some point, I'm going to have to make a choice between being a good mother and being a person who has a career. I'm not good at doing things half-ass (except for exercising). And I'm a little worried I'll make the wrong choice.
Coming soon: how all of this combines with the Spitzer scandal to make me think being a spinster is my best option.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Losing My Mind
I completely forgot dinner with friends and the play I was supposed to attend tonight. If Liz hadn't called me asking me where I was for dinner, I would never have remembered. As it was, I didn't figure it out in time to get my stuff together and go.
If I can make it to Friday, I'll have the whole next week off to catch up with myself. It's kind of turning into a bigger if than I thought.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Travel Update
March 10-11: Dallas
March 11-14: Washington, DC
March 16-19: Galveston
March 19-31: Houston (but at least one friend coming to town to see me)
April 1-4: Washington, DC
April 8-9: Chicago
April 9-10: Columbus, OH
April 10-13: Cleveland, OH
April 29-May 1: Washington, DC
May 2-4: Las Vegas, Baby!
May 7-9: San Francisco
May 21-23: Washington, DC
May 26-29: Washington, DC
June 1-2: Washington, DC
June 12-13: Chicago
June 25-27: Washington, DC
July 9-11: Washington, DC
July 21-25: Washington, DC
"Overachieving"
Instead of taking a nap after Pilates and the grocery store like I usually do, I spent the afternoon before meeting my realtor friend to look at houses doing what I needed to do to get started on Match.com and Chemistry.com. I've already come across the fundamental problem that kept me from signing up with Match and Chemistry years ago.
If you're on Match or Chemistry, chances are you've at least completed some high school. That means that we received the same minimal grammar and punctuation education -- I'm a public school kid, with the exception of a few years when my family lived in Tokyo (they sent the Asian guy for the company's joint venture with Sumitomo; it made sense in 1980). If you can't be bothered with punctuation and grammar in your profile, I am automatically turned off. Seriously -- it's turning out to be impossible for me to get past it. And maybe you're my Prince Charming. Maybe you're the guy with whom I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life, and our children would have been the chosen ones who ended up bringing about world peace. WE'LL NEVER KNOW because you didn't care about the difference between "your," "you're," and "youre," nor did you think that commas, periods, or question marks were necessary. I can understand blowing off exclamation points, semi-colons, colons, ellipses, parentheses, quotation marks, and capitalization. Really, I can. I don't like it, but I understand. But when your profile is 20 lines of words that don't contain any sort of syntactical structure or punctuation, you and I are never going to click. We're just not. I'm sorry.
And after having my car spend the day at the mechanic (I got to spend 3 hours waiting at the dealership because they didn't tell me the right time), the check engine light went on 20 minutes ago. They're closed tomorrow, and then I'm out of town for a week, at the beach for 3 days, and then I have friends coming into town. I NEED MY CAR. NEVER BUY A VOLKSWAGEN.
I'd pour myself a drink, but I had a martini and wine with dinner, so what would be the point?
Friday, March 7, 2008
Life Lesson
I just learned a new life lesson today. When people ask you for feedback, they're not actually interested in getting better at their jobs. When people ask you for feedback, what they really want is for you to tell them how fabulous they are.
This isn't an age thing -- I can't point to the 23-year-olds at work and say it's just them. It's across the entire age spectrum. I think it's wonderful to have good self esteem boosted by parents who have told you how special and talented you are. It sets you up with the expectation that you can take on the world, and everybody should have that foundation of confidence. But I think the Wall Street Journal is right when it surmises that the complete lack of balanced feedback from parents ("my Junior is perfect and can do no wrong") has begotten a culture of narcissism and entitlement.
I can't tell you how many times I've been asked to give feedback to someone at work, been honest, and then had that person go behind my back to complain that I was mean. These are the same people whining that they're not being promoted fast enough, despite the fact that they are clearly not demonstrating the necessary skills.
So I'm not going to give feedback anymore. It's impossible to tell who truly wants it, and who just wants me to blow sunshine up their rear ends. Have you met me??? I DON'T BLOW SUNSHINE. And the people who refuse to put their big girl panties on and get on with it can stay in their entry-level jobs, forever seething that the man is keeping them down, when in reality, they're keeping themselves down.
This isn't an age thing -- I can't point to the 23-year-olds at work and say it's just them. It's across the entire age spectrum. I think it's wonderful to have good self esteem boosted by parents who have told you how special and talented you are. It sets you up with the expectation that you can take on the world, and everybody should have that foundation of confidence. But I think the Wall Street Journal is right when it surmises that the complete lack of balanced feedback from parents ("my Junior is perfect and can do no wrong") has begotten a culture of narcissism and entitlement.
I can't tell you how many times I've been asked to give feedback to someone at work, been honest, and then had that person go behind my back to complain that I was mean. These are the same people whining that they're not being promoted fast enough, despite the fact that they are clearly not demonstrating the necessary skills.
So I'm not going to give feedback anymore. It's impossible to tell who truly wants it, and who just wants me to blow sunshine up their rear ends. Have you met me??? I DON'T BLOW SUNSHINE. And the people who refuse to put their big girl panties on and get on with it can stay in their entry-level jobs, forever seething that the man is keeping them down, when in reality, they're keeping themselves down.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Fun Game
I'm not the snappiest dresser in the world, but I've found this to be a fun game here in Atlanta while I wait for my plane FINALLY to depart: look around and see if you can find one other person whose ENTIRE outfit you'd be willing to wear. I've seen a lot of cute outfits ruined by ugly shoes or other bad accessories.
More proof that I'm just not that nice a person. But if you're reading this, you knew that already. :-)
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Monday, March 3, 2008
SERIOUSLY
I know that many of you think I'm insane for this, but I won't date a man who puts his smaller bag in the overhead compartment. It demonstrates an unacceptable level of selfishness and is the death knell of courtesy and civilization.
What is the world coming to???
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Fun weekend!
Just got back from a weekend in Austin! It was really fun, but I'm really stressed. First, the fun.
I picked Liz up at her place around 2:30, and we followed the directions that my GPS gave us and took 290. It turns out that this is not the fastest way (you should take 10 to 71). It may be the shortest way and seem like the fastest way, but it isn't. And it's REALLY BORING. I made Liz bust out Roadtrip Bingo, which we were unable to win (we were playing blackout) because there aren't really that many silos in central Texas.
Traffic was great until we hit 35 in Austin. I stayed on the feeder road, partly because it was moving more quickly than the freeway, and partly because there was no way I would be able to merge with the stationary cars on the freeway. We got to the hotel FINALLY, met up with my sister, checked in, and headed out to meet Suzanne and Brady at the restaurant.
If you haven't eaten at the Moonshine Grill in Austin, you're seriously missing out. Because we ate early, like the senior citizens we are (except for Judy), we managed to catch the last 10 minutes of happy hour -- half-price appetizers and $4 specialty drinks. We ordered deep-fried asparagus (amazing), spinach and artichoke fondue (delicious), and "corn dog shrimp" (love!), and everyone but Judy ordered a Ruby Slipper Martini. Mmmmm... Ruby Slipper Martini. Here's why the Ruby Slipper Martini is so good: 1) it's pink like a Cosmopolitan, so it's got the silly girl factor, but 2) it's NOT SWEET. It's vodka and grapefruit juice with some champagne for fizz, and it all works together like alchemy.
Then the serious negotiations began. Judy got a delicious spinach salad while the rest of us ate like it was our last meal on earth. Brady ordered a flat-iron steak, while Liz, Suzanne, and I decided to split the trout and the flat-iron steak among the three of us. Fabulous choices, and a fabulous decision, because then we had room left to do the the peanut butter mousse pie and red velvet cake justice.
We laughed and laughed and laughed the whole time, and I wish I could remember what was so funny, but I think it was just eating outside in perfect spring weather, delicious cocktails and wine, amazing food, and the best company ever. It was relaxed and relaxing, and the next time I go to Austin, I'm definitely going back to the Moonshine.
The next day, we drove out to Pedernales Falls State Park. We did a short hike that started with a sharp decline and then an excursion in fording the river -- really fun and very refreshing. This was followed by a sharp incline (not so fun) and a loop where we saw some trees that hurt my eyes: the leaves (needles?) were a vivid, spring green, and the bark was a silvery-blue, and the contrast was jarring. Anyone know what kind of tree this is?
After our little, sweaty (warm weather, occasional breezes, sweat happens) hike, we headed over to the falls. This was my favorite part of the day. They've created a lookout so you can enjoy the amazing views, but the Park Service has also built some steps down to the falls. There hasn't been much rain in Texas the past few weeks, so we didn't have to worry about flash floods, and so we took advantage. Because the river was so low, there were so many places to do some really fun rock scrambling. I think I've figured out that the reason I like the Billy Goat Trail so much is the rock scrambles. I'm not fast at scrambling, but I think I'm better than mediocre, and I scrambled and frolicked on the boulders and came away feeling refreshed.
We went to a winery afterward, dirty and stinky, but the people there didn't care. They must be used to it. I wasn't blown away by most of the wines I tasted, but they had a lovely, light, not-too-sweet dessert wine, and I bought myself a bottle, along with an olive tray. Brady, Suzanne, Liz, and I each bought a glass of wine, and we supplemented the grape juice with cheddar cheese, summer sausage, crackers, and some scrumptious artichoke and garlic dip, all of which we attacked with gusto (and a sad, tiny, plastic knife).
Suzanne, Brady, and Liz continued onto more wineries, and I went back to the hotel to get a little work done. That's where the stress started. I got a little bit of work done on my BlackBerry, but I didn't take my computer with me -- seemed like that would ruin the point of the weekend away.
Sunday, we went to the Whole Foods Flagship in Austin. This is another "must-visit" if you're ever in Austin. I went to get some freshly ground, chocoloate-almond butter and left with much, much more. After a light snack, we headed out to Daryl Howard's 2008 spring party at her ranch. Daryl is a wonderful artist who does most of her work in woodblock prints. Liz had introduced all of us to her at the Bayou City Art Festival over the years. Liz's family owns a lot of Daryl's work, and Liz has several pieces as well. I bought a triptych that I love last year, and today, Brady and Suzanne saw something that grabbed them (the first ever print of "Yellow Tree"), so they grabbed it!
I spent most of today feeling really stressed. I've over-committed myself at work this week with a trip to Atlanta, which means a lot of late nights between now and Wednesday. I had hoped that by coming home a little early I'd be able to get some work done, but after checking my e-mail and my calendar for tomorrow, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have an early start tomorrow, which means I'm not going to be able to get what I want to done tonight.
I still think I made the right decision by not taking my laptop, and it was nice to see Judy doing so well and to spend quality time with good friends, but holy moly, sometimes taking some time off to get away from the stress and to relax turns into more stress and a bigger need for a vacation.
I picked Liz up at her place around 2:30, and we followed the directions that my GPS gave us and took 290. It turns out that this is not the fastest way (you should take 10 to 71). It may be the shortest way and seem like the fastest way, but it isn't. And it's REALLY BORING. I made Liz bust out Roadtrip Bingo, which we were unable to win (we were playing blackout) because there aren't really that many silos in central Texas.
Traffic was great until we hit 35 in Austin. I stayed on the feeder road, partly because it was moving more quickly than the freeway, and partly because there was no way I would be able to merge with the stationary cars on the freeway. We got to the hotel FINALLY, met up with my sister, checked in, and headed out to meet Suzanne and Brady at the restaurant.
If you haven't eaten at the Moonshine Grill in Austin, you're seriously missing out. Because we ate early, like the senior citizens we are (except for Judy), we managed to catch the last 10 minutes of happy hour -- half-price appetizers and $4 specialty drinks. We ordered deep-fried asparagus (amazing), spinach and artichoke fondue (delicious), and "corn dog shrimp" (love!), and everyone but Judy ordered a Ruby Slipper Martini. Mmmmm... Ruby Slipper Martini. Here's why the Ruby Slipper Martini is so good: 1) it's pink like a Cosmopolitan, so it's got the silly girl factor, but 2) it's NOT SWEET. It's vodka and grapefruit juice with some champagne for fizz, and it all works together like alchemy.
Then the serious negotiations began. Judy got a delicious spinach salad while the rest of us ate like it was our last meal on earth. Brady ordered a flat-iron steak, while Liz, Suzanne, and I decided to split the trout and the flat-iron steak among the three of us. Fabulous choices, and a fabulous decision, because then we had room left to do the the peanut butter mousse pie and red velvet cake justice.
We laughed and laughed and laughed the whole time, and I wish I could remember what was so funny, but I think it was just eating outside in perfect spring weather, delicious cocktails and wine, amazing food, and the best company ever. It was relaxed and relaxing, and the next time I go to Austin, I'm definitely going back to the Moonshine.
The next day, we drove out to Pedernales Falls State Park. We did a short hike that started with a sharp decline and then an excursion in fording the river -- really fun and very refreshing. This was followed by a sharp incline (not so fun) and a loop where we saw some trees that hurt my eyes: the leaves (needles?) were a vivid, spring green, and the bark was a silvery-blue, and the contrast was jarring. Anyone know what kind of tree this is?
After our little, sweaty (warm weather, occasional breezes, sweat happens) hike, we headed over to the falls. This was my favorite part of the day. They've created a lookout so you can enjoy the amazing views, but the Park Service has also built some steps down to the falls. There hasn't been much rain in Texas the past few weeks, so we didn't have to worry about flash floods, and so we took advantage. Because the river was so low, there were so many places to do some really fun rock scrambling. I think I've figured out that the reason I like the Billy Goat Trail so much is the rock scrambles. I'm not fast at scrambling, but I think I'm better than mediocre, and I scrambled and frolicked on the boulders and came away feeling refreshed.
We went to a winery afterward, dirty and stinky, but the people there didn't care. They must be used to it. I wasn't blown away by most of the wines I tasted, but they had a lovely, light, not-too-sweet dessert wine, and I bought myself a bottle, along with an olive tray. Brady, Suzanne, Liz, and I each bought a glass of wine, and we supplemented the grape juice with cheddar cheese, summer sausage, crackers, and some scrumptious artichoke and garlic dip, all of which we attacked with gusto (and a sad, tiny, plastic knife).
Suzanne, Brady, and Liz continued onto more wineries, and I went back to the hotel to get a little work done. That's where the stress started. I got a little bit of work done on my BlackBerry, but I didn't take my computer with me -- seemed like that would ruin the point of the weekend away.
Sunday, we went to the Whole Foods Flagship in Austin. This is another "must-visit" if you're ever in Austin. I went to get some freshly ground, chocoloate-almond butter and left with much, much more. After a light snack, we headed out to Daryl Howard's 2008 spring party at her ranch. Daryl is a wonderful artist who does most of her work in woodblock prints. Liz had introduced all of us to her at the Bayou City Art Festival over the years. Liz's family owns a lot of Daryl's work, and Liz has several pieces as well. I bought a triptych that I love last year, and today, Brady and Suzanne saw something that grabbed them (the first ever print of "Yellow Tree"), so they grabbed it!
I spent most of today feeling really stressed. I've over-committed myself at work this week with a trip to Atlanta, which means a lot of late nights between now and Wednesday. I had hoped that by coming home a little early I'd be able to get some work done, but after checking my e-mail and my calendar for tomorrow, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have an early start tomorrow, which means I'm not going to be able to get what I want to done tonight.
I still think I made the right decision by not taking my laptop, and it was nice to see Judy doing so well and to spend quality time with good friends, but holy moly, sometimes taking some time off to get away from the stress and to relax turns into more stress and a bigger need for a vacation.
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