I'm back, if only briefly

I was thinking, as I often do, of when my man is finally going to freaking show up, and I started laughing at how awesome he's going to have to be to get (a) the approval of my posse and (b) get along with my posse's husbands.  I'm going to be one lucky bitch.

Layoffs today at work.  I survived, barely, and in changed circumstances if I accept them.  I'm drinking bourbon and watching The Princess Bride.  Love it.

I promise I'm coming back more regularly when things settle down a bit, probably later this week.

Truer words

On girls' night out, I often propose this toast:

Here's to the men that we love,
Here's to the men that love us,
But the men that we love aren't the men that love us,
So f@&% the men, here's to us.

It's a little bitter, but holy moly, this past week proved it to be fairly true. I have no game when it comes to men. None. Does anyone know where I could get some?

I think I'm going to have to amend the 5 things I'm looking for in a man. It used to be that I was looking for someone smart, funny, who could take care of himself, and was totally into me. I think it's more accurate to say that all I'm looking for in someone is that he's SNARKY. Liz called snarky my drug of choice, and when she said it, it was one of those weird, random moments of truth when you can feel something important slip into place. I could almost hear angels sing. And yes, I know it's kind of sad that snarky was the thing that caused my profound moment. I wish I could have one about work, but you don't get to pick those moments, man.

So all 3 of you who are reading this -- please keep your eyes peeled for snarky men and send them my way. Apparently they don't even have to be that nice or, tragically, that into me. I seriously have some issues, y'all.

A Small Nugget of Match Gold

I got a nibble on Match:

From: Him
Date: June 26

#1 Airline Baggage- Here is my rule, if you have to have wheels on your luggage to carry it, you have too much stuff. [EDITOR'S NOTE: seriously? You've bothered to read my profile, so huge props to you, but that means you must know that I travel a lot for business, and you're being all judgmental about luggage with wheels? Not smart.]

#2 Five things- Are you counting smart and funny as separate items? [EDITOR'S NOTE: just as a reminder, in my profile I write that I'm looking for five things in a man: smart, funny, can take care of himself, has whimsy in his heart, and is totally into me. Use your fingers and count them out, dude. And in what universe are smart and funny equivalent? There are plenty of people who are smart and not at all funny, and there are people I think are funny, but they're not all that smart.]

#3 Infield fly rule- What is wrong with the infield fly rule. I think it has served us well for the last century. [EDITOR'S NOTE: valid question, but if you're a baseball fan, you know what the divide is over the infield fly rule. I appreciate your attempt to engage me here, but this is intellectually lazy.]

#4 National league- Look if the pitcher doesn't bat, he really isn't a baseball player, so you are correct there. Interleague play is also an abomination. What's next? Cheerleaders? Here's what you can do to promote your team: ball day, bat day, helmet day, and for the Chicago White Sox, midget batters and that's it. Enough with the the astroturf, indoor stadiums, and night games at Wrigley Field. And enough with the steroids. If you don't have enough self-respect to stay off the juice, you don't belong in the show. As far as I'm concerned, Barry Bond's home run total is -0-. Sorry, I'm getting carried away here, next subject. [EDITOR'S NOTE: there's a little too much edge in this, but I ignored it as me just being picky and crazy. Little did I know. I do have to say, though, that were it not for indoor stadiums, not a lot of baseball would get played in Seattle, and not a lot of people would go to the games in Seattle or Houston. Too rainy in Seattle, and too freaking hot in Houston. Retractable roofs RULE.]

#5 Hockey? I guess women have a thing for hockey players but I've never figured out why. [EDITOR'S NOTE: my liking hockey has nothing to do with the individual players. It has to do with the speed and the ethical and behavioral code. Interesting that he went straight for what he perceives to be the only reason a woman would be interested in a sport.]

OK, that's it, I'll shut up now.

If you liked Liar's Poker because of the business climate in the 1980's, you might like The Predator's Ball or Highly Confident. I'd stay away from Den of Thieves. I just remember reading in Highly Confident that Michael Milken used to get picked up from his house @ 4:00 AM to get to work before the trading desk in New York opened, and I remember thinking, "that guy really has the eye of the tiger." He also started investing money for people by taking 50% of the profits, but 100% of the losses, and I thought the guy had iron ones. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I guess you could say he had iron ones, but he also went to prison for breaking the law, so I think that all evens out. I'm appalled that he admires Milken, frankly.]

If you liked Liar's Poker because of the juvenile humor and absurdity perpetuated by the world's most powerful men, Masters of the Universe as Wolfe called them, and you like baseball, I'd read Ball Four, of course and The Bronx Zoo. [EDITOR'S NOTE: excellent book recommendations -- he put some thought into it.]

Ok, at this point, I'm willing to go read this guy's profile. And here's what I discovered: he lives 2 hours away from me, he is separated from his wife (separated, not yet divorced, divorce is apparently in process), and he's only looking for Asian women. That's strikes 1, 2, and 3, all in pretty short order.

I know I don't owe these guys anything, but this one, while kind of a jerk, actually read and responded to my profile. He deserved a response according to the code in Catherineland. Here's what I wrote:

From: Me
Date: July 7

#1 Airline baggage: I disagree. I don't care how much luggage it takes you to survive your business trip -- just don't put all of it and your jacket in the overhead compartment.

#2 Yes. I know a lot of people who are smart and not at all funny, and several funny people who aren't that smart.

#3 Infield fly rule: it overcomplicates the game. And really -- to avoid an "unfair" out? Whatever.

#4 I agree

#5 Hockey: the game is fast and fair. Women like hockey players because they strike us as having some Neanderthal-like tendencies. We don't like it most of the time, but during three periods of hockey, it's attractive.

Thanks for the book recommendations.

To be totally honest here, I have insurmountable concerns about the fact that you live in [city edited out], that you're not yet divorced, and that you're only looking for Asian women, but I appreciate you writing.

I think that was fairly reasonable and friendly. Apparently, what I think is incorrect, because here's the response that got him onto the blog:

From: Him
Date: July 8

Literatechick-

That is a pretty nice way of putting it, insurmountable. I like that. But, of course, you are right. I am separated and not divorced which is a pretty big deal. Also, you were probably in the 5th grade when I graduated from High School and you are a lot better looking that I. [EDITOR'S NOTE: grammar error and typo. Why, yes, I'm kind of a bitch. Thanks for asking. All by itself, this paragraph seems relatively friendly and accepting, but in reality, it's passive aggressive. The next paragraph is what led me to labeling this as passive aggressive and what made this e-mail string blog-worthy.]

If you ever need help with the "overly complicated" infield fly rule, let me know. I understand a lot of women have a problem with this. You just have to understand that the game of baseball was designed by men, for men, and they didn't really take into account having to explain things to a bunch of women back in those days. Today, women can watch baseball just like men, although most of them still throw like girls. [EDITOR'S NOTE: where to start? I didn't say I found the infield fly rule overly complicated. I said that it unnecessarily complicates the game. As someone who has an opinion on the infield fly rule, I probably don't really need help with it. I do appreciate that he thinks it's ok for women to watch baseball, although since we don't play in Major League Baseball, I'm not sure what difference it makes that girls throw like girls. Seriously -- does he think that being a little bitch like this is going to get me to write him back? You're trying to manipulate the wrong chick, buddy. Misogynistic much?]

One last thing. I am not just looking for Asian women. It's not like this is an exclusive thing. It's just the Seinfeld/Changstein effect. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't watch Seinfeld. I have no idea what he's talking about here. But in his profile, he has ONLY selected Asian in the races that he's interested in pursuing. So maybe he's not creepy, just dumb.]
[name edited out]

This guy makes me happy to be single!

Mishmash

I have some pretty healthy self-esteem that I believe I've earned. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm attractive, and doggone it, people like me. Match makes me feel ugly and awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn't fight my way through adolescence and my early 20s to feel like this again. And I'm tired of people saying that I have to give it a chance, and that I'm not being fair, and that this is the way that people meet in 2008. I hate it.

I read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch on my flight from Cleveland to Hartford today (there are NO DIRECT FLIGHTS between Houston and Hartford -- unbelievable). If you haven't heard of it, it's a book based on what was literally the last lecture of Professor Randy Pausch at Carnegie Mellon University (if you click the link, it'll take you to the lecture's page on the Carnegie Mellon site, where you can find more links to the lecture on YouTube). Professor Pausch is dying of metastatic pancreatic cancer, and his last lecture on life lessons is amazing. The book doesn't have quite the same punch as his actual lecture did, but that didn't stop me from leaking tears for the entire flight. It makes me feel like I should be doing something more valuable with my life instead of earning a good living at a company that professes to help other companies get better. The Fortune 1000 doesn't need me.

I know that there are a lot of organizations with which I could volunteer, and maybe that would make me feel better. I'll look into it when I get home. Between The Last Lecture and The World Is Flat, it seems like there must be a way for me to make money and sell out to the man AND make the world a better place at the same time.

The people in the room next to mine here in Hartford are LOUD. Not like that! At least, not yet. I could hear every word of their conversation like they were having about their nephew and random other stuff. They've gone to dinner, so it's blessedly quiet, but I'm dreading when they come back drunk and amorous. EW EW EW EW.

I read an article in Forbes or Business Week on the flight from Houston to Cleveland on the glass ceiling in Korea, and how men there don't think women have the chops to work in the corporate world. I'm very glad to have been born and reared in the US, where my parents told me I was the smartest kid in the class and so had to work much, much harder. There was no question I could be whatever I wanted, as long as whatever I wanted was white collar.

Ok, enough with this random post. This is what happens when I write without really thinking it through. It's been a while, though, and I had some stuff bouncing around in my head that I needed to get out.

I'll keep you updated on the people next door. Ugh.

Match is WORK

And I don't know if I want a second job.

How Last Night's Astros Game Made Me Want to Stay Single

MORE FREE TICKETS TO THE ASTROS!!!  I love that my friends have awesome connections, and that they're willing to share the spoils of those connections with ME!

The Astros won last night, more due to the excellent fielding, I think, than a strong outing by Backe.  I'm hoping he's just settling in, because he had so much going for him before he went out for Tommy John surgery.  Also, the Marlins aren't that good, I don't think.

Anyway, Carrie and I were sitting next to two, young, married couples.  The wives were very pretty and teachers.  Who knows what the hell the husbands did.  The guys sat together, and while one was just a normal guy, the other one was a COMPLETE ASS.  He didn't shut up the whole game and constantly bumped Carrie throughout.  He was verbally abusive to his wife and cheered for the Astros in really wrong, negative way.  He nearly kicked the head of the 2-year-old in front of him.  And after 3 and a half hours of sitting next to this douchebag, I nearly took my profile off of Match.  

What is wrong with women that they put up with that kind of crap?  He was SO disrespectful to his wife, in front of their friends and everyone else sitting near them at the game.  And she just sat there and took it.  She wasn't happy about it, but she didn't do anything.  WTF???  

I've had my differences with my parents, but I'm so grateful to them for rearing me to have a spine.  I'm not settling for a jackass like that, and I've decided that despite my misgivings about having children, I kind of need to have them to make up for his horrific offspring.  I know that sounds arrogant and gross, but seriously -- he and his wife have kids, and they're going to turn out just like them.  We don't need more of that in the world.

I'm a Total Freak

No, I know -- this comes as a surprise to exactly ZERO of you. But I've discovered some additional things about myself as a result of being on Match.

The last time I did online dating (about 4 years ago), I figured out that if a man could write e-mail using good grammar and punctuation, he could be completely insane in every other way, but he was in, and the good guy with bad grammar and punctuation was out. Maybe unfair, but that's the way it is, yo. And actually, it's not that unfair: at least people have control over that -- you don't have control over whether you're handsome or smart.

This time, I've figured out that if you tell me I'm pretty or cute or whatever or if you express what I consider to be inappropriate admiration of my skills or talents, I will be suspicious of you and move you down the list. If, on the other hand, you send me intelligent book recommendations? I'll probably show up at your house with a can of Reddi-wip and wearing nothing but a trench coat.

That's an exaggeration, obviously, but seriously -- I am a total freak. Online dating is starting to crack me up.

OH! There's also a guy who has been sending me unintelligible e-mails! I'll reproduce the e-mail chain below because it's THAT GOOD!!! I've diligently included all the typos. He writes a lot about how lucrative trading is and how rich he is. I've added my comments in bold.

From: Him
Date received: April 7
Subject: Hi
Whats up Hot mama? [Editor's Note: my screen name is literatechick. I don't know where this Hot mama crap is coming from.] I'm smarc and people say I look funny. [Editor’s Note: in my profile, I wrote that I’m looking for someone smart, funny, who can take care of himself, has whimsy in his heart, and is totally into me.] How long have you been a member and have you had any luck yet. This is my first time as a member so I'm a virgin so to speak. [Editor’s Note: I don’t like his turn of phrase here. We haven’t even met.]
------
From: Me
Date sent: April 8
Subject: Re: Hi
Spelling and grammar are really important to me. I've been on Match for about a month. [Editor’s Note: not friendly, but also not unfriendly, considering it’s me.]
------
From: Him
Date received: April 8
Subject: hello
I can't believe ya left me hanging like that. I'm upset with you. No, just kidding, write me back. [Editor’s Note: huh? Hanging like what? I answered his question.]
------
From: Me
Date sent: April 8
Subject: Re: hello
I did write you back. I told you that spelling and grammar are important to me and that I've been on Match for about a month. [Editor's Note: I'd like credit for staying polite and neutral in tone.]
------
From: Him
Date received: April 9
Subject: hi
you wrote me back when. Call me next time. I gave you my number didn't I. [Editor’s Note: (a) WTF? (b) no, you didn’t give me your number, and (c) give me a reason to call you. So far I don’t see one. Did you bother to read my profile at all??? It’s RICH with conversation bait.]
------
From: Him
Date received: April 9
Subject: hello
Never heard from ya. Are you out of the market or what. looking forward to hearing from you. [Editor’s Note: I’m starting to think he’s got me mixed up with someone else or has taken that silly class on how to make women feel insecure so they will go out with you.]
------
From: Me
Date sent: April 10
Subject: Re: hello
Please stop contacting me. [Editor’s Note: it’s all fun and games, but I’ve had enough. I didn’t see anything in his profile that I liked, and he’s clearly delusional. I thought my message was simple and to the point.]
------
From: Him
Date sent: April 10
Subject: Re: Re: hello
I will respect your wishes, but is there some reason why? Could you please tell me. I mean did I say or do anything. I just want to know so I don't make the same mistake. [Editor’s Note: despite a lack of commas, this was actually a comprehensible e-mail that seemed to indicate he was actually reading MY e-mails. Too bad he sent the next two before I could respond.]
------
From: Him
Date sent: April 10
Subject: ?
you're weird dude. no wonder you haven't had any luck. i starting to think you're some kind of scam artist. Well don't try that with me because like the song goes, I ain't never scared. [Editor’s Note: swinging here between reasonable human being and total poser. It doesn’t bode well. I wasn’t planning to respond anyway, but I almost responded to the next one.]
------
From: Him
Date sent: April 10
Subject: Re: Re: hello
Fine, you're a freak anyways. [Editor’s Note: he’s right, I am a total freak, but not for the reasons he thinks. I opened this e-mail first, because it was the most recent one in my box, and nearly fell over laughing in the Presidents Club at O’Hare last night. He’s got some serious mood swing issues, but he’s really entertaining nevertheless. I’ll almost miss him.]

I'm going to keep and treasure those e-mails FOREVER. If he only knew how true his last e-mail was!!!

Silda Wall Spitzer

It's late, and I should be in bed, but I wanted to get this written while it's still just a teeny, tiny bit relevant.

During the height of the Spitzer scandal, a friend and I were talking, and she noted that I'm a little obsessed with Silda. She was wrong -- I'm a lot obsessed with Silda (but not in a crazy, dangerous way; more in a "I seriously do NOT understand what kind of idiot cheats on a woman like that" way).

My mom would be really happy if I were Silda. By all public accounts, she's gracious and funny and warm and ladylike. I think she's stunning. She went to Harvard Law, married someone who on paper seems like the kind of man straight women want to marry, had a ridiculously successful career in the law, and then started a charity because she was bothered by how lavish the children's birthday parties were in her social circle. Silda did everything "right," and her husband still f*ed whores.

I think of my friends' husbands, and I know that they would never do that. But I'll bet Silda never thought Eliot would do that either. I don't know many women who would marry a man knowing that he was likely to engage prostitutes, but most of the women I know are really smart. But Silda also strikes me as really smart.

So I'm left to think that she either knew and took her chances, or she had no idea what he was like after being married to him for decades. Both of those options SUCK.

You combine that with the whole mother thing, and what's a smart, ambitious, hard-working 35-year-old single woman supposed to do? Spitzer and the work mothers make being a career spinster seem really attractive.

Also, tangentially, I think she's a fool for not leaving him. If it were just the two of them, Eliot and Silda, I would understand that their lives have been entwined and enmeshed with each for over 20 years, and there's a lot there that we don't now. But she has three daughters, and I think she owes it to them to show them that it's not ok to stay with a man who cheats on you with whores. I think she's doing her girls a great disservice at this point. I don't think she has to disparage their father in front of them, but I think she definitely has to set the example for them, regardless of how much she loves him or her own heart is broken.

Wow

Match and Chemistry are not for the faint of heart.

"Overachieving"

Instead of taking a nap after Pilates and the grocery store like I usually do, I spent the afternoon before meeting my realtor friend to look at houses doing what I needed to do to get started on Match.com and Chemistry.com.  I've already come across the fundamental problem that kept me from signing up with Match and Chemistry years ago.

If you're on Match or Chemistry, chances are you've at least completed some high school.  That means that we received the same minimal grammar and punctuation education -- I'm a public school kid, with the exception of a few years when my family lived in Tokyo (they sent the Asian guy for the company's joint venture with Sumitomo; it made sense in 1980).  If you can't be bothered with punctuation and grammar in your profile, I am automatically turned off.  Seriously -- it's turning out to be impossible for me to get past it.  And maybe you're my Prince Charming.  Maybe you're the guy with whom I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life, and our children would have been the chosen ones who ended up bringing about world peace.  WE'LL NEVER KNOW because you didn't care about the difference between "your," "you're," and "youre," nor did you think that commas, periods, or question marks were necessary.  I can understand blowing off exclamation points, semi-colons, colons, ellipses, parentheses, quotation marks, and capitalization.  Really, I can.  I don't like it, but I understand.  But when your profile is 20 lines of words that don't contain any sort of syntactical structure or punctuation, you and I are never going to click.  We're just not.  I'm sorry. 

And after having my car spend the day at the mechanic (I got to spend 3 hours waiting at the dealership because they didn't tell me the right time), the check engine light went on 20 minutes ago.  They're closed tomorrow, and then I'm out of town for a week, at the beach for 3 days, and then I have friends coming into town.  I NEED MY CAR.  NEVER BUY A VOLKSWAGEN.

I'd pour myself a drink, but I had a martini and wine with dinner, so what would be the point?

  

SERIOUSLY

I know that many of you think I'm insane for this, but I won't date a man who puts his smaller bag in the overhead compartment. It demonstrates an unacceptable level of selfishness and is the death knell of courtesy and civilization.

What is the world coming to???

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Question for the married folks

If you've been tracking the comments, you'll have seen that my friend Scott says that if I want to laugh my a** off, I'm better off getting a gay roommate than a boyfriend or husband.

Married people -- is this true??? I need to know!

Also -- is it desirable or undesirable for me to respond to your comments in the comments?

I Have a Theory

So I was thinking back over my past boyfriends/relationships, and I realized that I have dated some very nice men. And then I started thinking about that thing where women say they like nice men, but then date jerks, over and over, and then nice men complain that they're not getting to date women, even the ones who say they want a nice man, because secretly, women all want jerks.

Here's what I've decided: women really do want nice men. If we date jerks, it's because we think they're going to be nice. Maybe we recognize that the guy is a jerk, but we've deluded ourselves into thinking we're going to love him into being nice. Maybe we've been deceived into thinking that a jerk is a nice guy. Either way, very few of the truly smart women I know (and I know a LOT of smart women) have dated a jerk on purpose.

I started thinking about what the disconnect is, and I think it all comes back to what we mean by nice. I think when women say we want a nice guy, we're talking about someone who makes us feel pretty and smart and just generally good. But we also don't like being crowded. Women tend to get the bad rap that we're way more into relationships than men and get all clingy and needy, and maybe that's true, but my theory (see how I tied it into the title of the post?) is that when we reject men for being "too nice," the real reason we're rejecting them is the sneaking suspicion that you're going to be all up in our grills ALL THE TIME. And smart women (or at least the smart women I know, and remember, I know a LOT of smart women) don't want anyone, including the men in our lives, to be all up in our grills all the time.

Chew on that. And please let me know if you think you know someone who will make me feel pretty and smart and just generally good without breathing all of my air.