I'm back, if only briefly

I was thinking, as I often do, of when my man is finally going to freaking show up, and I started laughing at how awesome he's going to have to be to get (a) the approval of my posse and (b) get along with my posse's husbands.  I'm going to be one lucky bitch.

Layoffs today at work.  I survived, barely, and in changed circumstances if I accept them.  I'm drinking bourbon and watching The Princess Bride.  Love it.

I promise I'm coming back more regularly when things settle down a bit, probably later this week.

A Small Nugget of Match Gold

I got a nibble on Match:

From: Him
Date: June 26

#1 Airline Baggage- Here is my rule, if you have to have wheels on your luggage to carry it, you have too much stuff. [EDITOR'S NOTE: seriously? You've bothered to read my profile, so huge props to you, but that means you must know that I travel a lot for business, and you're being all judgmental about luggage with wheels? Not smart.]

#2 Five things- Are you counting smart and funny as separate items? [EDITOR'S NOTE: just as a reminder, in my profile I write that I'm looking for five things in a man: smart, funny, can take care of himself, has whimsy in his heart, and is totally into me. Use your fingers and count them out, dude. And in what universe are smart and funny equivalent? There are plenty of people who are smart and not at all funny, and there are people I think are funny, but they're not all that smart.]

#3 Infield fly rule- What is wrong with the infield fly rule. I think it has served us well for the last century. [EDITOR'S NOTE: valid question, but if you're a baseball fan, you know what the divide is over the infield fly rule. I appreciate your attempt to engage me here, but this is intellectually lazy.]

#4 National league- Look if the pitcher doesn't bat, he really isn't a baseball player, so you are correct there. Interleague play is also an abomination. What's next? Cheerleaders? Here's what you can do to promote your team: ball day, bat day, helmet day, and for the Chicago White Sox, midget batters and that's it. Enough with the the astroturf, indoor stadiums, and night games at Wrigley Field. And enough with the steroids. If you don't have enough self-respect to stay off the juice, you don't belong in the show. As far as I'm concerned, Barry Bond's home run total is -0-. Sorry, I'm getting carried away here, next subject. [EDITOR'S NOTE: there's a little too much edge in this, but I ignored it as me just being picky and crazy. Little did I know. I do have to say, though, that were it not for indoor stadiums, not a lot of baseball would get played in Seattle, and not a lot of people would go to the games in Seattle or Houston. Too rainy in Seattle, and too freaking hot in Houston. Retractable roofs RULE.]

#5 Hockey? I guess women have a thing for hockey players but I've never figured out why. [EDITOR'S NOTE: my liking hockey has nothing to do with the individual players. It has to do with the speed and the ethical and behavioral code. Interesting that he went straight for what he perceives to be the only reason a woman would be interested in a sport.]

OK, that's it, I'll shut up now.

If you liked Liar's Poker because of the business climate in the 1980's, you might like The Predator's Ball or Highly Confident. I'd stay away from Den of Thieves. I just remember reading in Highly Confident that Michael Milken used to get picked up from his house @ 4:00 AM to get to work before the trading desk in New York opened, and I remember thinking, "that guy really has the eye of the tiger." He also started investing money for people by taking 50% of the profits, but 100% of the losses, and I thought the guy had iron ones. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I guess you could say he had iron ones, but he also went to prison for breaking the law, so I think that all evens out. I'm appalled that he admires Milken, frankly.]

If you liked Liar's Poker because of the juvenile humor and absurdity perpetuated by the world's most powerful men, Masters of the Universe as Wolfe called them, and you like baseball, I'd read Ball Four, of course and The Bronx Zoo. [EDITOR'S NOTE: excellent book recommendations -- he put some thought into it.]

Ok, at this point, I'm willing to go read this guy's profile. And here's what I discovered: he lives 2 hours away from me, he is separated from his wife (separated, not yet divorced, divorce is apparently in process), and he's only looking for Asian women. That's strikes 1, 2, and 3, all in pretty short order.

I know I don't owe these guys anything, but this one, while kind of a jerk, actually read and responded to my profile. He deserved a response according to the code in Catherineland. Here's what I wrote:

From: Me
Date: July 7

#1 Airline baggage: I disagree. I don't care how much luggage it takes you to survive your business trip -- just don't put all of it and your jacket in the overhead compartment.

#2 Yes. I know a lot of people who are smart and not at all funny, and several funny people who aren't that smart.

#3 Infield fly rule: it overcomplicates the game. And really -- to avoid an "unfair" out? Whatever.

#4 I agree

#5 Hockey: the game is fast and fair. Women like hockey players because they strike us as having some Neanderthal-like tendencies. We don't like it most of the time, but during three periods of hockey, it's attractive.

Thanks for the book recommendations.

To be totally honest here, I have insurmountable concerns about the fact that you live in [city edited out], that you're not yet divorced, and that you're only looking for Asian women, but I appreciate you writing.

I think that was fairly reasonable and friendly. Apparently, what I think is incorrect, because here's the response that got him onto the blog:

From: Him
Date: July 8

Literatechick-

That is a pretty nice way of putting it, insurmountable. I like that. But, of course, you are right. I am separated and not divorced which is a pretty big deal. Also, you were probably in the 5th grade when I graduated from High School and you are a lot better looking that I. [EDITOR'S NOTE: grammar error and typo. Why, yes, I'm kind of a bitch. Thanks for asking. All by itself, this paragraph seems relatively friendly and accepting, but in reality, it's passive aggressive. The next paragraph is what led me to labeling this as passive aggressive and what made this e-mail string blog-worthy.]

If you ever need help with the "overly complicated" infield fly rule, let me know. I understand a lot of women have a problem with this. You just have to understand that the game of baseball was designed by men, for men, and they didn't really take into account having to explain things to a bunch of women back in those days. Today, women can watch baseball just like men, although most of them still throw like girls. [EDITOR'S NOTE: where to start? I didn't say I found the infield fly rule overly complicated. I said that it unnecessarily complicates the game. As someone who has an opinion on the infield fly rule, I probably don't really need help with it. I do appreciate that he thinks it's ok for women to watch baseball, although since we don't play in Major League Baseball, I'm not sure what difference it makes that girls throw like girls. Seriously -- does he think that being a little bitch like this is going to get me to write him back? You're trying to manipulate the wrong chick, buddy. Misogynistic much?]

One last thing. I am not just looking for Asian women. It's not like this is an exclusive thing. It's just the Seinfeld/Changstein effect. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't watch Seinfeld. I have no idea what he's talking about here. But in his profile, he has ONLY selected Asian in the races that he's interested in pursuing. So maybe he's not creepy, just dumb.]
[name edited out]

This guy makes me happy to be single!

It's Weird Being an Adult

One of the benefits of being in DC for as long as I am is that I got to join a mini-family reunion. My cousin Yoon-ji graduated from a residential high school in Warrenton, so her mom flew in from Korea, and my mom flew in from Dallas. We all had dinner at my (2nd) cousin Susan's house, where we were joined by Susan's parents (they act as Yoon-ji's guardian in the US) and Susan's cousin (my second cousin) Joong-shik.

Before I go any further, are you keeping all these familial relationships straight? Here's a little key:
Mom (my mom, lives in Dallas)
Hyun-bin Emo (Emo is "aunt" in Korean; my mom's sister, lives in Seoul. Because she's my mom's sister, I generally just call her Emo, even when there are other Emos around.)
Yoon-ji (my first cousin, Hyun-bin's daughter, graduated high school on Thursday)
Yoon-hee Emo (my mom's cousin, lives in Ashburn. If she's the only Emo around, I just call her Emo, but if there are others, or if I'm referring to her in conversation, I'll call her Yoon-hee Emo.)
Emo-bu (literally translated -- "aunt's husband," Susan's dad. I just realized that I don't know what his name is. Seriously. I call him Emo-bu. I also call Yoon-ji's dad "Emo-bu," and if there are multiple emo-bus around, I'll say "Yoon-hee Emo-bu" for Susan's dad, and "Hyun-bin Emo-bu" for Yoon-ji's dad. Wow. If you're not Korean, this is confusing, right?)
Susan (my second cousin, Yoon-hee Emo's daughter, lives in Reston, referred me to the firm)
Michael (Susan's husband)
Joong-shik (my second cousin; his mom is Yoon-hee Emo's older sister, lives here, works for the IMF)

Ok, now that we have that straight, you basically have a list of everyone who met up for dinner at Susan's house to celebrate Yoon-ji's graduation. We had a GREAT time. Emo bought some delicious food so nobody would have to cook, and we stuffed ourselves. We also got to see pictures from Susan and Michael's trip to Korea and the Phillipines (Michael is Filipino-American). Looks like a whirlwind and some serious WORK, but it also seemed like they had a great time.

After dinner, Susan, Michael, Joong-shik, Yoon-ji, and I played Rock Band. And because the "kids" were having so much fun, my mom and Emo also played -- I couldn't believe it! But they had a go, and they had a great time. My mom was excited (and also a little jealous) when she found out that I had Rock Band at home. I played bass, and it was my first time using the guitar. I didn't realize that you had to strum the lever thing in the middle, so I got our band booed off stage a couple of times until Susan figured out what the problem was. The guitar is super fun, but I had carpal tunnel pangs in my forearm the next day.

After that, we karaoked. Of course. Yoon-hee Emo, Emo-bu, Joong-shik, Yoon-ji, and Susan sang Korean songs. Michael, Susan, and I sang American songs. My mom and Emo begged off, saying they can't sing. That's not really the point of karaoke, but they got away with it.

That was all Friday night, and on Saturday I had to work (I'm working today and tomorrow, too -- that meeting script won't write itself!!). I talked to my mom on Saturday night, and she told me that I work too much and she didn't want me working on the weekends. I had to remind her that before she retired, she had busy times at the bank when she had to bring work home or stay late. She conceded that when there's work to do, you have to do it, but it took that reminder for her to come around. It's the millionth time that I've gotten the impression from my parents that they don't really think of me as having a job. I mean, they know that I have a job and that I'm supporting myself somehow, but I don't think they realize how serious and real my job is. It's hilarious, but not at all in an insulting way.

I say not insulting because I kind of understand where she's coming from. I'm 35 years old and a fully-functioning and -contributing member of society, as are Susan, Michael, and Joong-shik, but we all definitely split along generational lines on Friday night. The "kids" played Rock Band while the "adults" watched. My mom and my aunts were trying to feed me dinner and dessert. My mom tried to send Susan up to bed for a nap (Susan is 8 months pregnant).

And really, I don't feel like an adult. I thought it would change when I got a real job. It didn't. I thought it would change when I was paying all of my own bills. It didn't. Then I thought when I bought my first car I'd feel like an adult. Nope. Maybe buying a house will do it, but I don't think so -- Susan and Michael have a house and a baby on the way, and they were in the playpen with the rest of us kids. We'll see how things shift once Susan's baby is born.

I'm a Total Freak

No, I know -- this comes as a surprise to exactly ZERO of you. But I've discovered some additional things about myself as a result of being on Match.

The last time I did online dating (about 4 years ago), I figured out that if a man could write e-mail using good grammar and punctuation, he could be completely insane in every other way, but he was in, and the good guy with bad grammar and punctuation was out. Maybe unfair, but that's the way it is, yo. And actually, it's not that unfair: at least people have control over that -- you don't have control over whether you're handsome or smart.

This time, I've figured out that if you tell me I'm pretty or cute or whatever or if you express what I consider to be inappropriate admiration of my skills or talents, I will be suspicious of you and move you down the list. If, on the other hand, you send me intelligent book recommendations? I'll probably show up at your house with a can of Reddi-wip and wearing nothing but a trench coat.

That's an exaggeration, obviously, but seriously -- I am a total freak. Online dating is starting to crack me up.

OH! There's also a guy who has been sending me unintelligible e-mails! I'll reproduce the e-mail chain below because it's THAT GOOD!!! I've diligently included all the typos. He writes a lot about how lucrative trading is and how rich he is. I've added my comments in bold.

From: Him
Date received: April 7
Subject: Hi
Whats up Hot mama? [Editor's Note: my screen name is literatechick. I don't know where this Hot mama crap is coming from.] I'm smarc and people say I look funny. [Editor’s Note: in my profile, I wrote that I’m looking for someone smart, funny, who can take care of himself, has whimsy in his heart, and is totally into me.] How long have you been a member and have you had any luck yet. This is my first time as a member so I'm a virgin so to speak. [Editor’s Note: I don’t like his turn of phrase here. We haven’t even met.]
------
From: Me
Date sent: April 8
Subject: Re: Hi
Spelling and grammar are really important to me. I've been on Match for about a month. [Editor’s Note: not friendly, but also not unfriendly, considering it’s me.]
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From: Him
Date received: April 8
Subject: hello
I can't believe ya left me hanging like that. I'm upset with you. No, just kidding, write me back. [Editor’s Note: huh? Hanging like what? I answered his question.]
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From: Me
Date sent: April 8
Subject: Re: hello
I did write you back. I told you that spelling and grammar are important to me and that I've been on Match for about a month. [Editor's Note: I'd like credit for staying polite and neutral in tone.]
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From: Him
Date received: April 9
Subject: hi
you wrote me back when. Call me next time. I gave you my number didn't I. [Editor’s Note: (a) WTF? (b) no, you didn’t give me your number, and (c) give me a reason to call you. So far I don’t see one. Did you bother to read my profile at all??? It’s RICH with conversation bait.]
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From: Him
Date received: April 9
Subject: hello
Never heard from ya. Are you out of the market or what. looking forward to hearing from you. [Editor’s Note: I’m starting to think he’s got me mixed up with someone else or has taken that silly class on how to make women feel insecure so they will go out with you.]
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From: Me
Date sent: April 10
Subject: Re: hello
Please stop contacting me. [Editor’s Note: it’s all fun and games, but I’ve had enough. I didn’t see anything in his profile that I liked, and he’s clearly delusional. I thought my message was simple and to the point.]
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From: Him
Date sent: April 10
Subject: Re: Re: hello
I will respect your wishes, but is there some reason why? Could you please tell me. I mean did I say or do anything. I just want to know so I don't make the same mistake. [Editor’s Note: despite a lack of commas, this was actually a comprehensible e-mail that seemed to indicate he was actually reading MY e-mails. Too bad he sent the next two before I could respond.]
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From: Him
Date sent: April 10
Subject: ?
you're weird dude. no wonder you haven't had any luck. i starting to think you're some kind of scam artist. Well don't try that with me because like the song goes, I ain't never scared. [Editor’s Note: swinging here between reasonable human being and total poser. It doesn’t bode well. I wasn’t planning to respond anyway, but I almost responded to the next one.]
------
From: Him
Date sent: April 10
Subject: Re: Re: hello
Fine, you're a freak anyways. [Editor’s Note: he’s right, I am a total freak, but not for the reasons he thinks. I opened this e-mail first, because it was the most recent one in my box, and nearly fell over laughing in the Presidents Club at O’Hare last night. He’s got some serious mood swing issues, but he’s really entertaining nevertheless. I’ll almost miss him.]

I'm going to keep and treasure those e-mails FOREVER. If he only knew how true his last e-mail was!!!